Part 1 - Confessions Of a Changed Person - On Fathers Day 20 June - MVK

I woke up today not feeling not too well about myself for no particular reason whatsoever. First I wished that it was not Sunday, but then I remembered that I am the Pastor of our Church and I was supposed to go to Church. So I had no choice. Joyce had already left as she usually does so around seven. I reluctantly woke up and fortunately for me I enjoy making up the bed so this was no big deal at all. I am not too sure if feeling sorry for yourself without any reason is common or is it just my experience. And I must say that it happens quite often with me I have even started to blame my womapause for it. Doctors have proven that men over 40 do have womapause which is an equivalent of menopause for men. Well if it's indeed womapause I certainly feel it more than most men do. To me today was just an ordinary Sunday until my cell phone gave a received message tone, another thing most Pastors don't prefer on Sundays. because It could be bad news that will change the rest of your day or just a Sunday morning encouragement from a Church member. Do I take it or not? I left it and went for a shower (the real shower) I kept thinking about the message  my mind  trying to see if I could guess who it came from and what it was about. I chose to settle for the easiest answer and that was maybe it came from Joyce since she left earlier she forgot something that she wanted me to bring along I settled for this answer since it made more sense than all others.

When came out of the shower I grabbed my phone and checked the message and what I saw was not what I expected. The message was from my 19 year daughter Tebogo Kotu my cousin's kid, now mine. Part of it it read: "wishing my special dad a happy fathers day, and it concluded by saying: I love you, may the good Lord do you well" I just stood there with my heart torn apart by this simple yet hard for me to accept message. Whilst I was still in that semi trance state another message came through and this one was from her elder sister and this one concluded by saying: "may the Lord bless you for being such a good father" The truth is for the very first time I realized how much I did not care about fathers day. How insignificant it was to me. It felt like these messages were sent to a wrong person. With phone in my hand I replied to Tebogo's message "Thanx a lot sweetie u made my day. I was not feeling particularly good this morning now I'm looking ahead to a great day. Luv U. MVK" I was after this message that something in me was awoken, something that I believe has been resurrected and all it took was a simple SMS as we call it .

I only realized today that all it took was a simple fathers day wish to remind me of the disappointment and deep resentment I grew up with for my father, and today I had to somehow confront that cold part of me. The part of being a father. I never had a relationship with my dad, Actually I hated my father with all my being and I remember when I grew up I would constantly remind myself that one day I was going to hunt him down and make sure he pays for all the heartaches he caused my mother and us the kids. My father walked out on us when I was only eleven. and my brother was seven. We grew up in a neighbourhood where all dads were present except mine, and without me trying to blame my up bringing it sort of killed something on my inside. Back in 1984 I was 24 when I met my father briefly and this was 12 years since he left us. There was no serious conversation between us and we parted without making any sense to each other and we never met again until 1988.
To be continued...

This entry was posted on Monday, June 14, 2010 . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .


Hi moruti.
I must first apologize,I'm one of the guilty folks that have been reading the blog and not commenting due to reasons like being lazy to type.

With that being said, I believe that everything happens for a reason.I was also raised by a single mother and my father who featured once in a while,and just when you think he'll stay he was gone. I grew up with a cloud of rejection because I knew that my father was alive,he was successful and taking care of his other kids. The consequences of this rejection lead to me getting involved with wrong,older men,any man...just so that I can be loved.I continously seeked the approval of men and because...there was always a question of why did my father choose to leave...why did he take care of them and forget me?It was painful...By the time I came to the Lord I felt I was a nothing.I was not sleeping around but there was just a pattern of serious emotional breakdown in my relationships.Whenever I meet a man...I would have fear that they are going to leave because I still didn't know why my father left me.I carried those insecurities into my marriage and guess what the very thing I feared happened.I was rejected again.With time God has shown me that,like the samaritan woman...I was thirsty.I was looking for something to quench this thirst that only Jesus can.Even now I decided that I want to take time from relationships just to receive love from God ,for He is my father before attempting marriage again.I realise I cant keep blaming some of the men I've met.The root causes of my relationship breakdowns was I was looking for a father to love me.Like I said God is still dealing with me on this. I know I will get married again but I wont be doing it for the wrong reasons. My life transformed since i met you,because you chose to accept me as a daughter even when I made some bad still loved me and believed in me when you could have just rejected me.Ja...God makes up for every loss.NK

So father and I have reconciled .I chose to love and respect him still because like you said "Presidents are appointed by men,fathers by God".I just chose to forgive him despite the fact he's actually never apologised for not being there for me.I dont know. Perhaps when he is alone he acknowledges it but till today I don't know why he chose to leave.
So,to all the girls who have fathers that are present...appreciate it.I dont know if I should still deal with the questions of why my left..I dont actually know if I'm ready for it.

Are we still about father's day-Maybe I'm foward or behind with the topic...I only see part two of my comments on fathers 'day

Hi.NK all your comments were transfered to the relevant topic on Fathers day, you originally posted them under the June 13 ELC day post.
Thanks for your contribution. MVK

Hi.NK all your comments were transfered to the relevant topic on Fathers day, you originally posted them under the June 13 ELC day post.
Thanks for your contribution. MVK


You know Moruti, I have never had a relationship with my father. He left when I got born, my grandfather became the father I never had. My paternal father came back in 1995 requesting for us to move to London with him, but my mom declined because she felt he had left for that long and we had built our lives already, for him to just uproot us like that.

My grandfather passed away when I was 17, a stage where I needed to know more, but he had done most of his work anyway, because he was a Godly man, wise and correctly divided the Word of God, hence I have never had a need to have my paternal father around, because I felt my grandfather had done what any father would have done in terms of bringing a son up.

I have not harboured any anger or hatred, I see him now & then on TV or hear him on the Radio, but that's all that is to it. My mother has suggested I contact him, but I felt he would think I want to inherit what he has amassed.

Kutlwano K.

hello Ntate Moruti, i have been reading your articles and i must say very profound and thought provoking. Great Stuff:-)