Why I Think Some Marriages fail Despite All The Good Efforts To Make Them Work - Part 1

First I wish to indicate that I'm not a marriage counselor at all. therefore I'm not too sure if this disqualifies me from speaking on the subject, Especially trying to speak to others about it at this level. But I'm trying to convince myself that being a product of a broken marriage myself yet having succeeded in remaining committed to the same woman for 28 years should at least give me an audience with my peers and those who are younger than myself in marriage. Having said that I also wish to indicate that I will not be able to speak on the whole matter all at once in this article. I will speak a little each day until I have said all I can.

I also wish to highlight that in my speaking about marriage I may not be successful in satisfying the beliefs of all who will read this article, simply because I am also driven by both my faith and my personal experiences. This should therefore be viewed with an open mind by the readers. And should I be biased in any way along the line I beg for your pardon well in advance. Feel free to comment on that because your view will be of great input to the subject.
Let me start by indicating that from my teens I grew up in a family where our father was non-resident. They divorced when I was 12. So I was practically raised by a woman and most of the "man things " that I have learnt at that time I learnt in the streets of Soweto. It was only after I became an active Christian that I had to re-visit my way of doing things the "man's way" that and both read the Bible and learn from other Christian men.

When I thought about marriage the first thing that I realized was that I was afraid to make such a commitment. It only became apparent at that time that the problems that I grew up witnessing in my parents marriage including all the confrontations that came with them were engraved in my mind. Though I knew without doubt that I both loved and liked Joyce I still had that deep rooted apprehension about asking her to become my wife. I thought to myself: "if my parents' marriage failed how on earth will mine work?" When we met I was 21 and she was 19 and still at school. By this time I was already working. I started working at 17 in 1976 during the Soweto riots. All it took to confirm my doubts and fears about marriage was just one question to Joyce. I asked her: "what do you think about marriage?", and the answer I got was shocking yet assuring to me that I was not just hallucinating; marriage is for dare devils and not for people like me.[at this point I get a feeling that this begins to sound like a love novel] Anyway let me continue.
The answer she gave me was loud and clear and to the point. Joyce told me that she did not mind being in a relationship with me. Yes she loved me but she was not going to marry any man on this planet and I was not exempt from that rule. Well, to say I was disappointed would be lying. I had the confirmation to what I already had on the inside.
Joyce had planned that she was going to become an independent mother. She would have kids, a house, car and everything else that would bring her fulfillment but be would not be married. Well, this was not as bad as I thought at least the kids part meant I can still be involved because she can't make them by herself. [lol]
It was at this point that I realized that I was not alone. Marriage is indeed a serious challenge.

To be continued...

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 17, 2011 . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .



I also used to tell my mother that I will never get married and that was also caused by the confrontations I used to witness between my parents and sometimes they would go on from 18H00 up until 06h00 when they have to get ready for work.
That on its own used to destroy me and you know what,my wish was never my command because on the other side,God had his plans with me, plans that he alone knew about and today im married.

Eish! Madam what shall I say: welcome to "our childhood club" But I thank god that it's all behind us now. MVK

Marriage is a scary word for me, especially because both my parents have confessed that they do not wish for any of their kids to marry. Could be influenced by their failed marriage (marriages for my dad). Personally, I think marriage is not for everyone. Not everyone can handle it. The question is "to be or not to be." Most people think they can pull it through, but hey...

This is a powerful story, one that's made me realise that I am not over some of the afflictions of growing up with an absent father. He left, one evening, as if he was coming back a few hours later. When days turned to weeks and it became obvious that he was no longer coming back, no one had sat me down to explain what had happened. I once snuck into my parent's room, to open his cupboard and found in bare, not a single item hanging there. That's when I realised that it was not an overnight phenomenon. At 13, realising this was not comforting.

Noone realises how scars can affect one, not at the moment of the incident but later. Growing up, my mom provided as best she could and one didn't feel physically disadvantaged from not having a father. But it is now, when negotiating adulthood, being a future wife and mother that I realise that I have been scarred. It's hard to not feel resentment, like Mam'Joyce felt in the past. But I do acknowledge that it is not fair to paint all men with the same shade and it's part of my self development to see each and everyone in their own light. I also do not want to miss out on the best life ever because I am overwhelmed by negative emotions.
.... and that is a relief

Ladies thanks a lot for your input. And I fully agree with you Gugu not all men are bad.




I`ve been looking for this part for weeks now, i did`nt want to read other parts cause i wanted to start with the fisrt one. i hope this will equip me with more info about marriage.


I think in every marriage a foundation is very important as soon as the core foundation has got cracks,as we all know cracks propergate to a point of distroying the house,let us work hand in hand with the authour of marriage to re-build the foundation in short God need us to be main role player of the whole process