Why I Think Some Marriages Fail Despite All Good Efforts To make Them Work - Part 11

Today's articles is aimed at giving direction to those not already married. Simply because all that I will be saying in this article will be focusing more on offering preventative measures than giving curative ones. I wish to continue on the seriousness of compatibility or the lack thereof in relationships. In our previous articles I have touched on the subject of Principles and Preferences and how Joyce and I are able to live peacefully around them. This is simply so because we have realized that we are different in many ways than one. I also need to emphasize that two people can only agree or disagree to the extent they agree to do so. Without having common ground around these issues always becomes a bone of contention. Also be aware that agreeing or disagreeing will also be determined by the level of their maturity. It is also important to note that maturity has absolutely nothing to do with one's age.
looking back I believe that when Joyce and I got married even though I was twenty three and she was 21 we were matured enough when it came to how we handled our differences. on the contrary I have also witnessed how some folks much older than ourselves failed to handle theirs. I also need to highlight the importance of making sure that what two marriage prospects agree to disagree on must be issues that they can live with without causing too much problems. many as a result of being intoxicated by love have ignored extremely crucial issues and that has resulted in disaster. (please refer to Part 7 Published on 31May 2010). I wish to touch on one thing that I consider as the mother of all incompatibilities. I also wish to indicate that this should be avoided no matter what.

Spiritual Or Religious Incompatibility
I have divided this one into two simply because it is my personal opinion that everybody subscribes to either some spiritual or religious believe. it is not true at all that there are neutral people in this world when it comes to spiritual issues, and as a matter of fact every faith or religion emphasizes the wrongness of being unequally yoked with believers of other faiths; religions; or spiritualities or deities. Muslims don't prefer marriage to non Muslims and so do Christians, and the same goes with all other faiths/religions even under the same wrap of Christianity. Also not many religions would encourage their adherents to marry "neutral souls" because the truth here is that no person is truly neutral. We all believe in something. Another issue is that people do not believe in things that they consider to be less powerful than themselves, as a result whatever people believe in shall always have preeminence over them. 
Is this really important for us to avoid such? My response to that is a big yes. 
Being Spiritually incompatible has seen many good marriages crumble. A lot of people truly love each other and that is why they end up marrying, but since every family gets to a point where they face issues that can only be approached from the spiritual point of view they only realize how different they truly are. So many people make the mistake of introducing a prospective spouse to their religion. I believe that this should instead be the other way round, rather propose marriage to someone in the same faith as you are. I have been married for 28 years and I can testify that being of the same faith is one of the pillars of a good marriage, because at least we believe in the same principles that govern our spirituality and most of our principles.
We have had too many spiritual challenges and our breakthroughs have always been credited to our being of the same faith and being subject to the same spiritual laws. I do not wish to quote any scriptures on this issue simply because my emphasis here is not on Christianity but on compatibility. One thing I wish to emphasize though is that God is the author of marriage and the best way to do marriage so to speak is to do it God's way. 

We must never underestimate the power of faith and belief. Especially when you come across an individual who professes that they don't believe in any thing at all. Most of these people are the ones who end up believing in some of the weirdest beliefs. They have scrutinized all known religions etc. and could not find any of them sensible enough to believe in . By so saying I am trying to warn you that unbelieving is also a form of believing it's just that what they believe in is not yet tangible, but will soon come to the surface. In my profession as a Pastor I have witnessed tens of good marriages ruined because of these spiritual differences, and the most surprising were those of individuals who were both adherents to Christianity. It was only on closer interrogation that we discovered that when the individuals met one of them was not a Christian, they only became one when they discovered that the other party was not prepared to marry a spiritually incompatible person. 
To be continued - MVK

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 23, 2010 . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .


I think Pastoor the article on marriage should be converted into a book to prepare our generation for marriage. Especially how to choose a partner because this generation is so much under presure to choose partners using beauty and financial status as main criterias for compatibility. But ignoring the spiritual aspect. Thank God for this guidance.


As was part of the massage on sunday. we can learn on those who worked the path, it is stupidity to say "let me make my own mistake and learn from them". if one say is because i love the person, why one loves one and after a divorce still loves. and if you love what cant last is useless. I agree with the article to chose the opposite and you think you can change the person is stupidity, and is not an excuse to say it can fail also in the same beliefs. I wish I heared this before, for those who hear it now. you want if couldnt hold any water


I would like to start by saying that I enjoy reading your articles and they offer a lot of insight. I am not a member of your church, however I am friends with one of the members. You say that spiritual compatibility is the key, yet some marriages still end even though some partners chose to be one with their partner in the spiritual world. I am now asking myself whether loving someone so much that you are willing to give up your own beliefs for them is the right thing to do or are my fears just a lack of me understanding what you are trying to put across....

Hi all thanks a lot for your input can I please ask that you bear with me until I have exhausted the issue of compatibility then hopefully the picture will be clearer than it is now. And Anon yes I agree with you that some marriages still break even when folks are compatible spiritually. I have witnessed that. But try to imagine if spiritual compatibility is all they care about and nothing else. They will still get to each others necks in any case. There are a number of other areas that complement the main area., and I will share on the as well. I sure hope that I'm on track. MVK

I still maintain that this topic freaks me out. However, it is very interesting and I am learning a lot. I just want to clarify to Anonymous that no one needs to give up their beliefs to be with someone just because they are madly in love. I dont think it is possible to leave your belief for someone because at the end of the day you still believe in what you believe in. I would like to bring up the issue of destiny (referring to Sunday's sermon). Can people be destined to be together when it comes to relationships. Or is it just one of those things we need to work out ourselves and make our own destiny in this regard. Also, I just need clarity on counselling when it comes to premarital issues. Do our marital counsellors counsel singles in relationships or only married. I think it is vital that couples who are still in a relationship get this type of counselling just for guidance instead of after magadi, which is practically marriage. Please advise.

Ke dumellana le Arthur big time. Maybe let's print this discussions and keep them for referral. Mara ke kopa counselling e be available for the not yet married. It might help us discover compatibility and other issues.