Why I Think Some Marriages Fail Despite All Good Efforts To make Them Work - Part 9

One thing that constantly nag me as I write these articles is that I am aware of the generation gap between me and 99% of my audience. These are people who take me for an old timer who is oblivious to the "latest " facts of life and who failed to not transform. And this is far from the truth' because when I got married back on the 28th November 1982 I thought we were the sophisticated generation back then. I thought that our marriages were that different from our parents, but on closer inspection the only true and evident difference was that our wives could wear slacks when my mother and her generation could not and that was just about the only true difference. otherwise everything else remained unchanged. Now today 28 years after when I look at my daughter and Joyce that gap has been closed and everything else remains unchanged. The principles that governed my parents marriage govern mine and still stand to govern my kids'.

The only true difference between us and our kids is that they think they are the generation that has been chosen to break laws and still make it safely to the other side, and it is not surprising why their rate of divorce is by far higher than that of past generations. The problem here is none other than the marriage principles that are constantly broken. Even back then our fathers used to lose their jobs but it never took away their manly dignity before their wives. They remained confident and the family went on under those circumstances with our mothers carrying the load until the man got back into action. This was a joint venture through thick and thin. It is a fact that times have changed, but principles remain the same. We don't have to break Godly principles simply because one of us is facing a trial. When I lost my job back in 1990 this brought a lot of suffering upon the family but what made us to bounce back was the Godly direction stayed on. We stuck to each other in full focus and with Joyce being fully supportive I was able to think of ways to survive and we did! I will share about it in depth in the future articles. I also fail to understand how a principle understanding couple will have a problem when the wife has lost her job. The truth is this generation is not as smart as they want us to believe they are. I mean losing your job and losing your focus and your peace are totally different. You may not have any control over the job loss of one of you, but you possess one hundred percent control over your focus and your peace. Many lose their jobs and willfully throw away their peace and focus, and the issue here is not the bond or instalments that are to be paid, but the materialistic spirit that has become the motivating factor even over their choice of a marriage partner. If you focussed on Godly principles another job or breakthrough would come sooner than the problems you envisaged. 

When girls and boys grow they do so with an inherent knowledge of who they are and what they roles shall be in life, and that is why girls play with dolls and cook in small tins whilst boys play with toy cars and pretend to come home from work to be welcomed by their "wives" with an empty cup of tea. These are clear indications that we do not need anyone to tell us about principles that govern life. When our mothers did housekeeping our sisters helped and when our fathers mended the fence and did gardening we, the boys helped them. Very seldom did it happen the other way around unless in families that only had a boy or a girl. In that case the child overlapped into roles. They were a girl but they became a situational boy and vice versa and  this happens in every normal family setup. I cook on a few occasions when the need arises, and this would be when Joyce is late from her appointments and most of the time I do it just to spoil her, but when no one is willing to cook then the question will be who is expected to cook? In the same way Joyce would find herself doing a man's chore when the need arises, but what happens then when the door falls and we're all home and all of us are wondering who's supposed to try and do something about it. These are some of those "missing ingredients" in today's marriages, and though they seem harmless they have great impact on how we relate with each other.

Another thing that I have noticed is that I have always been throwing my underwear in the washing basket, and sometimes missing it and they landed on the floor besides it. Joyce does not as she washes hers every time she takes a bath. I have had a couple of young men complain that their wives keep their underwear in the washing basket too just like boys do. Is this a principle or just a preference? Worse still others complain about ladies' used pads that are thrown into the bin and left there for a while. I must confess that in the 28 years of our marriage I have never come across one of these used items. I have only seen them with our toiletries when they are from the shop still unused. Is there anything such as "old school" in marriage? have things changed that much?. I hope I don't sound biased at all. I have openly condemned men's wrongdoings both in our Church and in this blog. Sometime ago a dear brother in our Church wrote me an E-mail concerned that I sounded very feminist in my comments, and I think that's how unbiased I think I am. I'm simply trying to help find solutions. I wish to stop here. I WILL NOT CONTINUE to Article 10 of this subject until I have at least 10 responses on this topic. We need to have dialogue on this subject. Please send your comments and indicate if you want me to publish it with your name or not. Let's communicate.


This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 09, 2010 . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .


Yeah, I think our generations' moral fiber & focus has totally shifted from being that of Godly first - Because that influence of knowledge that, u are accountable not your wife only, pushes 1 to thrive and do what is right. It is common knowledge that, our generation is materialistic - according to them, it is what you have and not who you are, that makes you. Honestly, I think 1 Cor. 13v4 should be visited again.

My husband & i have grown in totally different families.I am the only girl in my family without a father figure and he is the only boy in his family with the father.I do what's called "men's jobs" in our home painitng,changing a globe,gardening,plumbing etc because my mother & use to do those things for ourselves at home.My husband, i think because he grew up with girls who use to do everything for him,he's used to not doing anything therefore he wants to do nothing at our home. I dont know but i think how we grew up as well way do play a certain role in our marriages.If u grew up washing your undie after a bath or throwing it in the washing basket that will never change when u'r married because i think that's a principle you grew up with.Principles we grew up with affects us in our marriages in a certain way though sometimes we are not aware.Reading your topics from 1-9 has opened my eyes so far and i thank you.(anon)


I would like to agree with anonymous, I have the same scenario, and please don't get me wrong, I love and respect my husband, he is very good in other areas, e.g. he does the run around if there is any emergencies, he also take care of the kids. Please continue with the articles, we are really learning from the.

Wooow! I am starting to feel like you have been reading the same book that I have just completed ya Myles Munroe. You keep on hitting it in the same, so spot on – you may post my comments, Thank you.
Well, I agree to a large extend that in my generation and your generation nothing really has changes in theory, I believe that a lot has almost changed not a lot but there is change…its just not easy to break or draw a line between you and our generation. And I strongly believe that wives then and wives now have changed, but what takes us back is roles, responsibilities, purpose and of big factor Gods influence but not always as well.
Personal experience: I can really relate to you when you refer to losing your job cause I have been down that road, but I strongly believe support, understanding, why you got married and the person that you married to makes the difference…but more importantly is that our generation as much as we may dispute this the fact is that we are a materialistic generation, we do not look at potential and all those other things come after …this is the real world both in and out of the church....looking back, I am actually greatful for all the things that I have experienced, cause I believe that I had to go through them to build my potential more and character…now when a situation comes, I don’t panic, I find my feet, balance, take a deep breath and find a solution and before I would throw my toys out the cot so to speak…I think that certain things bring about a sense of maturity and a different perspective or outlook at life and things that take place..going back to the topic..Pastoor, I am finding it difficult to cut through the gap, hence in a way I may be contradictory and I agree with all the statement that you make , hence my statement hore yes things “may” appear the same but the truth is they are not depending on where you looking at this from and I believe that the difference between Mom J,and Ndumi, is the element you ho tshaba Modimo, but still there is another flip side to this coin, and that is those women/people who do not believe in God but they posses those qualities of Christ…I just think that there are three sides to a coin top, bottom and sides 3D…Hope I presented my case clearly.
I look forward to your response.

Mfundisi wami,
I have gained a lot of insight on this topic from the first instalment to the 9th. I am now 5 years into my marriage and by grace of God I have never sought any solution to any marital problem. Indeed time change but institutions don’t. Marriage is an institution. My wife is working: it has never occurred to me that she has to provide for the house.
The question I have for the bloggers here is: what is the meaning of equality (50/50) in marriage, if we are following the basic tenets of marriage? In other words, gender equality is based on what in marriage?
On the issue of being brought up- I am tempted to say yes upbringing goes a long way. I never had a father, but my mother who brought me up had a tremendous impact in my life. Moreover, as a product of a boarding school, I can do almost everything in my household. Laziness and sometimes selfishness do creep in. Those who cannot wash their undies, please let them do so until there is nothing in the drawers!!


I would like to say the articles have been educational, motivatinal and spiritual.
I got married 7 years ago, i just met someone and decided to marry her (nothing wrong with that)just I didnt do a homework. i thought things will be good because of our few dates at spur. no 2, she was not a believer, I misread the scripure 1corth 7, especialy verse 14. "thinking as Im the owner of salvation". the things I saw from her family especialy her mother's behaviour it was her totaly, but that time I was thinking marriage.like a boy who fits a small shoe saying is okay thinking if they take them back to the shop they wont come back with them.
because of wrong foudations I/We faced many challeges, we became 2 bulls it was "wena-wena ke". from this, we decides to write a contition which will include the 2P's. that is anyone would know this is wrong because of the clauses in the constituion. everything will be down from communication, finances,kids, etc, freewill it doesnt work
PS; marying an unbeliever is a reicepe for disaster and not doing a homework obviously you will fail.


Hi anon. It is sad indeed to hear about your case. my heart truly goes out to you. MVK

Honestly I am loving this topic as it has opened my eyes to some of the small mistakes that couples tend to do and then try and blame it on "circumstances" or "situations". Meanwhile you have control of what your marraige turns out to be. I'm not married and I feel very limited to comment. But please moruti continue in educating us on knowing the priciples of making or keeping the foundation for a marriage.

Thank you


Dear Anon
Please don’t despair because God has all the solutions no matter how difficult the situation my seem according to your understanding. First of all I would like to say to you .Marriage was God’s original idea and therefore He will support you and help you to ensure that it works, and second to that I think you should start looking at your wife as a human being who has mistakes like all of us(not as an unbeliever) and start praying for her test me there are marriages of born again couples who still experience the worst and you find couples who are unbelievers but have the best marriage ever .Also marriage is governed by certain principles that applies to everybody e.g. love ,respect ,humbleness etc. it doesn’t require a person to be born again those are simple principles if well executed can work in any marriage. On the question of I 1Cor 7:14 It does work if you really believe in it .My question is do you really believe that your wife can be sanctified through you? Or are you always judgmental therefore miss what God has planned for your marriage which, it becoming a testimony that God can change your wife through you. See. I am also of the idea that if we are Christians we should marry amongst each other as it eliminates a lot of problems (have seen that in my own life.) However what if we didn’t? My answer will come from one sermon which moruti gave us about Jacob (I suggest you re-visit that sermon) at the end moruti tells us that God can correct the situation he went as far as telling us that if you feel that you married your partner for wrong reseasons God can make you love them and appreciate them for their good..I hope this helps but then again like moruti always says:” this is just my opinon “.Another thing is start complementing your wife on the good things that she does and help her through with her weaknesses .Start living a full Christian life and that will change her attitude and behavior without you saying anything. [ANON]


Anon, I am so glad that you have Christians to advise you. Imagine if you shared your story with the none-believer. Start beleiving that your marriage is from God, the fact that your wife is not a Christian now, doesn't mean she will never be one. Pray and interceed for her, in the meantime appreciate the good in her after all that's what attracted you to her. There are so many brothers who married fellow sisters in the LORD but they regret every second of it because of their characters. Don't be fooled by what you see from fellow christian couples, they have it tough believe me. Good role model, our Pastor was saved before mama Joyce, look how powerful she is today. Keep praying and trusting God for her, don't compare her with anyone, she is unique and God has a purpose for her, our prayer is for her God given purpose in your family to be realised. Be blessed in your marriage Brother.


thanks anonymous, from another anoymous.
My wife is a beleiver now we come to church all of us, but we faced some challeges based on we were not in the same line in beliefs,(i believe the grace of God is sufficient), some of the things still pop up. she was a christian from traditional church were some of the things are alowed there.
about 1cor 7:14 whe I understood later paul was telling the people who are already married, he did mean that you can marry an unbeliever thinking u will change them (as I said it means u think u own salvation)yes it is true there are couples who are unbelievers and the dont expirience whats christians expirience. anyway I heared that many divorces happens to christians, but we cant work on those stastistics(marry the unchurched), we work on the laws of God.
i think we fail because of ignorance. to be a christian doesnt mean to be too spiritual to the extend u cant touch reality, cause the things we expirience to solve it doesnt have to be a christian but comon sense. thanks

Every marriage has their own challenges,wether both partners are belivers or not.However i believe the challenges are dealt with much easier if the beliefs of both parties are the same.(ANON)

Hi Pastor,

Me again. A few weeks I was talking to an aquitance of mine, he is also a believer and a God fearing man and has made sound progress in his life, as well as marrying a woman who sounds really lovely.

Well, I asked him about the qualities he admired most in his wife and was, at first, errred by the first point - which for him was non-negotiable. He said that he wanted a wife, who had had a present father as that would surely mean her understanding of the traditional roles expected from a woman and man who have committed their future to each other.

At first I felt frustration, being raised by a mother and having an absent father I felt discriminated against. This is just a disctration, what I should have gotten out of the conversation was the understanding that men and women are not equal, our roles are important but there is no room for the 'battle of the sexes' in a committed relationship.

What I appreciate most about this particular article is the insight on the institution of marriage. We may be living in a different decade, but the fundamentals are still the same. We need to hold on to the core values that have governed for ages, materials come they go and get redefined. But those basics do not change.


hi everyone. I wish to express my gratitude for your comments. I also wish to point out that without dialogue this blog becomes a mere Newsletter. Therefore guys please comment. My most sincere thanks go to the young unmarried guys who are always the first to comment even on issues that I expect the married to be the ones to comment on. Kutlwano and Gugu thanks guys. And ja, thanks to all with much love. MVK

G, there are women who were raised by mothers alone and were taught well.They are married today and are good wives.

My opinion. I dont really think that how you were raised has an impact on the life you choose to live. You make the decision on how to handle situations and "marraige problems". People should stop making their upbringings as an excuse to every problem they encounter. We should all learn to take responsibility of our actions and think carefully of the choices that we make. As Gugulethu said "We may be living in a different decade, but the fundamentals are still the same". I may be naive but once you have the fundamentals I dont see a reason for any marraige to face any major problems.

hi pastor

marriages nowadays is not but pure business. it all about money. i have seen a lot of peoples marriage fail because of money related issues. they have never discussed their financial stability. with women if the guy does not have money or his own place or his own things its a no no. women want to be taken care off. i mean we should take care of ourself. i would say today's mariages if totally different from our parents marriages. i have seen that. we cannot tolarate one another, instead we run away at the sign of trouble. patiency is not in us...plus the family back grounds that we grew in also hav an impact on that. nowadays most were raised by single parents. back then both parents were there.


I think that the only reason why marraiges fall apart nowadays is because of our backgrounds and circustances which may have influenced the way we're,but we're responsible for who we become in life especially when it comes to maturity it has to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them.One thing that we must never let go off is our values and morals and not allow our attitude to control us no matter what.

"Marriage is honorable among all,and the bed undefiled,but fornicators and adulters God will judge" Hebrews 13:4