Why I Think Some Marriages fail Despite All Good Efforts To Make Them Work - Part 3

What I have shared in the past two articles; about the type of families we come from, the experiences we had, and above all else the possibility of us not becoming any different from our parents became the very reasons why that afternoon 29 years ago we decided we were going to get married anyhow. That day as my father's son I knew that his failures were not transferable at all.That I was an individual created in the image and likeness of God with a written plan for my life by God. My heart was filled with great compassion, compassion I could not explain even up to this day. When I looked at Joyce at that time the first I realized was that the last thing she needed in her life was a husband. I knew she was right when she said she was not going to get married to any man. Joyce being the her mother's only child needed first an elder brother, then a father, then a friend, and lastly a husband. I knew that if I can successfully became all these in the same order then I can ultimately become the husband she never wanted.
At this point I wish to explain a number of things about the people we marry. There is a lot of ignorance about each other's past and these "ignorances" actually become the devil's secret weapons in our relationship. Let me draw a picture of a young girl who grew up without a father and was sexually abused by a male neighbour she tried to trust. When this girl grows up to become a woman she does not necessarily become ready to yield to, and trust any man and the last thing she needs in her life is a sex maniac! and this does not require a genius to figure out why. Another example would of another woman who grew up in a very fine family but because she was the eldest she had to take care of her siblings just as if they were her own children, the way a woman should. When she grows up she will definitely want to be married but may have a problem having children for the first few years of her marriage. These examples are not uncommon at all, these things happen to men as well. Therefore this calls for men and women who know all about their spouses' past otherwise you find yourself in a situation where you you have to take your partner to psychologists and psychiatrists when you could have become one yourself  if only you had asked where your partner comes from and what they have gone through, and not only listened but heard. Worst still others try to use the very families they witnessed failing to try and resolve their dilemmas. These things are easy to pick up if you are a good listener.

I promised Joyce back then, and by the grace of God I have been able to be live up to my promises.One thing I have realized with most married folks is that they lack integrity in the promise department. Most couples are champions outside their families. They will cross rivers for friends, families, and even friends' friends. But will break away from any commitment they made to their spouse without even a prick to their conscience. I know the following might sound very funny to those who have no idea of what I'm talking about. My fatherly commitment to Joyce has always included the following: Every father cares about their children's welfare and general needs. This includes a father's heart; a fathers touch; a fathers talk and a fatherly approach to some issues. It takes quite some skill to know when and how to respond like a father than a husband to the same person.There are times when as a father I buy my wife things but then there are also those times when as husband I give her the money to go buy the same things for herself.

This is the most exciting, For all these years whenever it's Joyce's birthday I always buy different things. As a husband there will always be a bottle of perfume; a romantic card and anything else that lovers buy each other. But in all her gifts I have included what girls wish their father's bought them; a Teddy bear and a box of chocolate and some cash! All these in one packet. Some from Hubby and others from Dad! you can't beat this!

To be continued

This entry was posted on Monday, May 23, 2011 . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .



From all what you have written and said so far about you and mama Joyce,I have no doubt that it will definately teach us a lot and who would have thaught that a woman might need her own husband to play all three roles.
I wish we the young couples and the still to get married could all learn from you coz you trully are an inspiration.So very proud of you and your wife.MODIMO A LE ETSE HANTLE.

Madam. Thanks a lot. I believe that since we are all unique in many ways so are our needs. The best way to address issues in marriages would be for each couple to look into each others' "brought forward" needs and meet them. There are those who grew up getting "too much" attention who once married would appreciate some space. I know of individuals who literally hate birthdays now that they have a choice. they had an overdose of it from their parents. I say keep reading, hopefully you will get the whole picture and may God give you peace and joy in your marriage.


ya ne. I think one needs to study psychology to understand these things ne? and great reliance on the holy spirit for guidance . ho thaata ha o se na maqheka!

Greetings Mfundisi*crying* the Bible say do not covet your neighbours house but I wish my fathe did all you mentioned about mom Joyce,last year 22 Nov 2009there was a time where you asked all the fathers to stand up at church and you conducted them to father those who never had joy to be fathered and I was one of those I did not stop crying.Mfundisi and mom Joyce may da goog God keep you for people like us who needs to be spoonfed like small kids,ngibonga inkambo uNkulunkulu aninike yona ukuba nisihole njalo,aze anisikelele.Amen *Sad*

The more I read the more I understand. It's funny how people without even knowing it can be brought together to heal each other. Reading this has made me realise why God direceted me to ROFC. I never knew why, but I felt that I needed to be at ROFC, now I'm glad that God is revealing some of the reasons. I thank you for sharing with us not knowing how much some of will be healed through yours and Mme Joyce's stories.

This is very insightful..Gives a different view of how to look and approach marriage..

Everytime i was/am in crowd of people (colleagues,family,friends etc) saying all men are the same,i never ever agree with them no matter what the majority says,though my father left us when i was 8 & even when he was still around he was never a good man however that did not make me to put a bad label on the forehead of each men.Men are definately not the same.I think ladies should stop saying all men are the same because you will definately have the man who is the same as others.What we say with our mouths shall be.

I guess i never looked at this in that way.I grew up without a father around my life though he is there.i'll be honest i've never felt the fatherly love ever since in my life and for me it did'nt matter because my mother and aunt took good care of me.I started realising that a father is important when i got saved in 1999,i decided i will make God my father which he is.I can never tell you what happened between my mom and dad till today,both they still alive.I'm greatful that my experience growing up without a father never made me to resent man.I'm married and happy today.Thanks pastori for ur guideness may god increase you.Tshidi-TT