Why I Think Some Marriages Fail Despite All Good Efforts To make Them Work - Part 17

You have probably heard someone say: ‘we are doing fine under the circumstances’ I have always imagined that this was just another way of saying ‘we are doing just fine thanks’ until one day I began to think deeply about these folks who somehow manage to make it even under those whatever circumstances they’re talking about. Then one day it happened to Joyce and I, like all couples we began to have disagreements and misunderstandings on certain issues and I had a better understanding of what doing fine under the circumstances meant.
There are times in our marriages when we totally disagree on issues and none of us is prepared to give up their turf to another. This normally leads to the weaker character deciding to stay out of the other’s way and shutting themselves out then begins a journey of seclusion and estrangement.It would usually take a few days of modest communication normally comprising of brief responses of yes and no. After what seemed like eternity we would begin to communicate once more and the build up becomes gradual until we reach our cruising altitude once more. After each episode I would normally do a serious soul searching asking myself if getting married to Joyce was the right decision in the first place. I don’t know what was going through her mind then and till this day I have never asked her. What I’m trying to reveal to you is that even when you are quite there is still inner communication going on but the problem is you try to communicate with yourself and this can only worsen the situation. You have questions but no one is there to answer you.

These were the most frustrating days of our marriage and I thank God that they’re all behind us now. And this begins to happen immediately you begin to live together, and if not sorted out you grow with it. What I learnt was that during those times there were things I wished I could communicate to Joyce but did not know how to do so. The reason for that was because the only vocabulary we used was not getting the desired results.Experiencing communication breakdowns is part of our everyday life and as a result we can never successfully live in a world that is free from communication errors. The circle is wide enough such that at any given time we have a misunderstanding between ourselves with our kids, our neighbours, our friends, and even between ourselves and total strangers. Now the question here is do we have miscommunication intentionally or because we are simply not good enough when it comes to talking to others. My observation has revealed that we are totally different from each other even up to a point that what takes a person just a sentence to relate, another person will need a paragraph to do so. And this always results in communication breakdowns. And of course other breakdowns are simply birthed by breaking laws. Please check my previous posts I have addressed these issues.

Every time we fail to reach a consensus in our communication we end up using another language; the language of silence. Whether we realize it or not silent is not really as silent as we believe. It can be used effectively where it becomes the only avenue left. If we fail to take advantage of these moments of silence we end up not having any door left as satan moves in to close all remaining avenues. We normally end up using an inaudible language called actions or deeds. I must mention also at this point that you never stop being kind to each other simply because you fail to speak to each other. No wonder it has been said that actions speak louder than words. Joyce and I have learnt that God has created us to be able to communicate at all costs, and during those moments we took advantage of our ‘other’ gift of talking without using words. 
We would just sit there next to each other forcing ourselves to tolerate each other’s presence. I’m sure you have noticed that it’s the hardest thing to do. You just want to go out and be somewhere where your partner is not. Some take a walk, other’s go for a drive down ‘nowhere’ lane. I want you to realize that unless you force yourselves to doing the right thing and pursuing re-conciliation at all costs you will end up finding solace somewhere else.
Cheating on our partners is not always pre meditated but simply comes as a result of failing to find a way back to the communication table. If you allow yourselves to go with the tide and follow your feelings you will definitely end up in another person’s arms. There are people out there waiting for eligible angry and discouraged spouses to console. I truly hope that you are not there yet. To be continued. MVK

This entry was posted on Monday, July 05, 2010 . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .


This proves to me that the chemistries of relationships are universal, the choice of which chemicals to mix to remedy the situation remains with those in the relationship. I have a friend who is a Swidish old man. He once said to me, there are times in a relationship where u just need to be nice against the the odds (paraphrased). I have learnt to understand that 1 disagreement can not dertermine our entire day, as a result even after a disagreement I still ask her if her car has patrol or if she would like to have a cup of coffe when am making one for myself. I have realised that there are 3love opportunities presented to couples. Love as a husband/wife or the cupid love. Love as a neighbour, so if I'm mad at her I think to myself, if she was my neighbour siting with me would I offer her a cup of coffee? Yes I would, the I offer her. Love as an enemy (if it gets that far) which is a command from God that we need to love even our enemies to a point that we can offer them something to drink. A lot of the time the intensity of the problem is dependent on the actions taken after the disagreement. if they are repulsive then the problem grows bigger however if the actions are loving then it presents a plartform for negotiation. BM


Your observations are on point. One of the good ways to of keeping a good communication line, is to give each other space. I keep my Friday's for band practice and Saturday for choir. My wife in turn can enjoy time with friends. When things get bad, I always make sure they are fix before we go to bed. Nothing is as bad as sleeping next to a person who is quiet!


Silent communication sometimes is helpful because if you try to speak when you are having a disagreement, you might end up saying things that you should not. When you are silent, you are able to communicate with yourself within and sometimes realize that whatever you are not agreeing on can be solved in a different way and that is where compromise comes in. If you manage to overcome that you and your partner might even begin to understand each other better. As the saying goes ' You are never too old to learn' and we learn everyday.


Bongikosi, you sure have an understanding wife. If I offer my wife something to drink while she is angry, she will not accept. My wife is the type of person who does not appreciate people asking if she would love to have something. If you are making tea/coffee, you must make her one as well without asking. I have come to learn myself how good that is.

I agree with anon. Silence sometimes gives you that time to actually realize that your fight or arguement can be fixed or even it wasnt that bad to begin with. Misinterpretaion of what you said in a fight can make both of you regret even having the covesation in the fisrt place.
And as Sipho said things should be finalised before going to bed. Same as BM that 1 arguement should not determine your whole day.

LOL Sipho. But as long as you know and understand your wife.