Why I Think Some Marriages Fail Despite All Good Efforts To make Them Work - Part 6

By now I'm sure that it is evident to you  that I am not here to offer any professional advice but just honest; practical; and proven methods you can live by. The next point I wish to address today is the issue of Compromise. Many people even after they have entered into marriage and other relationships that require nothing but the best out of them, still fail to transform. The word compromise will only sound threatening to those who are dominant and or defensive by nature or from experience. I grew up with three elder sisters who did all kinds of "parental experiments" on me. Looking back I'm convinced that these ladies were rehearsing for their parental eras ahead of them using me as a model. They would send me to do things that were way beyond my ability at that time, and they also reprimanded me just the opposite of how real mothers would do.

It was at that time that I became both resistant and defensive towards upfront females thinking that they are actually dominant. Whenever I came across any situation that required me to hear what any female had to say I would do so with an extremely oversensitive and defensive attitude. My understanding was always controlled by my past experiences and this resulted in me becoming very disobedient towards female teachers at school and at large. I got even with my sisters one day during the school holidays. They were inside the house with their friends chatting when all of a sudden I came through the door like a fire man on call, the hose pipe in my hand at full blast I sprayed them and soaked both the kitchen and the dining room. I left the pipe there in the middle of the house and left. They worked until the early evening to clean up the house, and when my mother came back I told her why I had to retaliate in that fashion. I won the case and my sisters started to have some respect for me.

When I met Joyce I still had this attitude on the inside and I would listen critically to everything she said, trying to critically pick up some familiar signs of dominance. This caused me to not hear things the way she said them but instead I heard them the way I processed them using my damaged information processor. We started to have problems in our communication and this was very frustrating to her because what she said, she simply said the way it was usually said, but I heard it the way my sisters used to say it. For example whenever my sisters sent me to do things they NEVER used the words PLEASE and THANK YOU. As a matter of fact I don't remember them asking me to do anything, it was always an instruction. Until this very day should  Joyce say: "can I have the remote control" I unconsciously find myself finishing her sentence by saying: "please" and she would say so. Then I would give her the remote control and she takes it and say nothing I say "Thank you" reminding her to say so.

This is a sure sign to me that there are things that were engraved in my mind during my up bringing that continuously surface whenever I come around others. But my point is this: even though these things have never left me altogether I always make sure that they don't cause me problems in my marriage. Joyce too has her own "ghosts" haunting her from her past upbringing that occasionally surface, but we are able to be at peace with each other. We never had any session with a psychologist or psychiatrist around these things. We have been using what I wish to call the law of Compromise. In relationships this law requires that we should not judge any individual using the mistakes of the species they belong to even if we can see some similarities between them and the rest of that class. A good example is that snakes all look the same, but not all snakes are poisonous

what I'm trying to say is that some disabilities will remain with us for life but our Godly character and will are much stronger than the disability itself, and as result you see us limping but never falling. Compromise requires that you work on yourself and not on others, then when you approach others you are ready to hear their honest standpoint about the matter at hand, and be prepared not to have your own way but settle for "our way".
Compromise is best described by the following example: "let's say you have arrears on your account. The bank calls you and say you must pay it in full, but you negotiate with them until they settle for half installment"
We say a compromise has been reached between you and the bank simply because both of you walked away from the table without winning. Even in your marriage or relationship always remember this example. I always console myself by saying: "you win some and lose some" As long as we are at peace with each other God is glorified by our marriage.

Some other things that we need to know before we even reach a compromise in our relationship are the two most debated about things in marriages. They are Principles and Preferences. These two are always misunderstood by most couples. We will talk about them tomorrow.


This entry was posted on Monday, June 20, 2011 . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .


Thanx P, I'm learning a lot.


Good day Pastor

I have been following your motivation on marriages and i must say that is so true and its reality. we need to compromise and be compassionate with one another. sharing your marriage experiences really motivates me especially being young and still new in marriage, these are practical advises we can really use.