I wish to repeat once more that I am not a marriage coach or counselor at all, but just a man who has been married to the same woman for the past 28 years, and still prepared to remain married to her for the remaining part of my life. I believe that the time Joyce and I have spent together peacefully; and that though both of us being not perfect in any way yet having succeeded in our marriage does give us some credit and room to instruct those younger than ourselves in marriage.
marriage like any other institution gets it's strength from the foundation it has been built on. In my profession as an architect amongst the first lessons we're taught at school is knowing the type of soil you wish to build on as this will determine the type of the foundation, simply because even though all buildings might be the same style; shape; and size their respective foundations might be different because of where they are built. In the same way I have observed that not all marriages are built on the same foundation and this becomes evident on observing the different results that come from theses unions.
The only common things in every brick structure are the sand; cement; and the bricks themselves, and the same is true about concrete only structures, wood only structures, steel only structures etc.There are also common factors in all marriages despite their sizes, locations,and designs. I have two that I wish to point out today, and they are: Compassion and Compromise.
These twins, are the two most dominant in every courtship and the very first two to reach an early expiry date once the marriage is established. I have often asked myself why it is so and came up with a simple theory that maybe it is so because Compassion and Compromise dominate the early part of any relationship and end up becoming a form of a defensive mechanism rather that part of our moral fibre.what we don't realize is it is these two that made your courtship and early part of your marriage to function, and it is still these two that can maintain your relationship.
I consider myself as a very compassionate husband but from tome to time I find myself re-visiting the reasons why I should be so, and almost feeling that it is like waving in the dark where no one actually sees and recognizes my efforts. and that is exactly what the problem is. We take these traits and view them as extras and not necessities and that is why most of us will always require some special powers in order to exercise them.
Compassion;sympathy;gentleness;thoughtfulness;humanity;and consideration all mean the same and they cost the same. The bible speaks about the good Samaritan who despite the fact that the priest and the Levite could not find it in their hearts to show compassion to a total stranger, he went and did what his heart compelled him to do. It would be worthwhile to note that I said that his compassion came from his heart. The reason this man was able to do so unlike the other two was simple: he was a good person from within, when the other two being religious models did not have any goodness in their hearts. At this point I would like you to be honest with yourself and ask yourself these questions: are you a good person? Can you show your goodness to strangers? and what motivates you to do so?. I wish to point out to you that you might have answered yes to the first two questions but these two will always rely on the motivation behind them.
Then go on and try to find a good motive for you to be same to your spouse or the one you are engaged to. I want my wife to know me as a good person. A sympathetic kind of man. A thoughtful man and very considerate. My reason for this is simple: there are too many men out there not showing these virtues, and God is not pleased with them. I am a real sucker to God and would do anything to buy His favour. In the same way I believe that married women should do likewise to their husbands. I know without a shadow of doubt that Joyce has that power driven compassion for me. She tells me and shows me. I have sat beside her and wept when life was treating me unfairly and from her I was able to get the comfort that can only be from a heart that is dominated by compassion for me. Without compassion there will never be any reason why we should forgive and support each other. Most of you have been deeply hurt and you blame your kindness for it, but go back and re-read the story of my life and you will be able to see that this has been a build up to where we are today. There was a very firm foundation laid for this marriage. Ours is one that was built upon the rock and it shall stand.
One thing that I wish to reveal to you that may come as a surprise is that Joyce and I never received any pre-marital counselling.We have never been to a marriage counselor in our lives; every challenge we faced we were able to resolve as easy as that. I am not trying to say you don't need any counseling. I strongly believe that some people MUST go for counseling by hook or by crook. Why not talk to your spouse or fiance about these things? even in the midst of the present chaos there is still hope for you guys. Otherwise feel free to write me an E-mail through the contact me tab on the right or just click on comments under this post. This comes to me directly and wont be visible to all until I publish it. [and your confidential mail will not be published] I have a very special couple in our Church, and they are my personal coaches. They are Charles and Delores Mahlangu whose passion is to see every marriage function. They will literally "go to the ends of the earth" to help a marriage in need. I am sure they will be willing to help you. May the God of peace look favourably upon you and help you to find the solution that He has already laid before you long before you could be tried.
I will definitely continue tomorrow. Why not click on the envelope below on the right and send this to someone that you know may need it. You will never know the difference it will make until they tell you so.
Smile, you are not alone